The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
