he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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