Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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