If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
