My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
