The best revenge is premature balding
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
