I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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