dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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