Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
