Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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