Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
