i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
