i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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