i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
