you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
