her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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