Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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