As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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