My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
