She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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