it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
