i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
