Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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