my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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