I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
