My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
