Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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