I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
