i need an iv and a liver transplant
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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