I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
the raccoons are back...
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