i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
