I just made out with a guy for $7.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
