I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
