I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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