Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
