I think my vagina is haunted
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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