The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
