Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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