i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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