she takes plan B like it's going out of style
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
