Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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