I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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