Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
