so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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