oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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