do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
