I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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