i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
