What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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