you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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