We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
