so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
